一夜无眠

需要写下来，记录也好，释放也好，写下来会舒服些。经验之谈。

奇怪的气氛继续笼罩着生活。昨夜一夜无眠，可怜的人。虽然我后来跑到妹妹的床上睡觉，但每次醒来我都知道，直到今天七点多他问关医生是否还接收在门口排队的病人。

没有上班，看了医生，即使是开门前的排队也等了好一段时间才看到。开了两种药，一是放松神经，二是睡觉的，等取药回来再细看。还抽了血，说是检验hormones 。

其实从十二月份下半个月以来就一直问题不断，直到现在，有点彻底崩溃的感觉，很累，physically, mentally and psychologically.

如今的心情和状态以前也有过，希望经历可以帮我渡过此风波吧。

微信

上了微信两年，除了是个全职妈妈外，我不知道还给大家留下了一个什么的印象。对于我来说，一是我的中文慢慢回到当年的水平，起码写东西别人能看懂。另一个就是让我和当年的初中感情和短暂的高中感情得到closure ，这个字还找不到适合的中文去描述。

往回看，我经历了两个重要的人生转折点，1991年底的移民是一个。那时初中留下的痕迹还很深刻，高中的就更不用说了，突然之间中断。来到这儿后，我就再也没有像当年的那些刻骨铭心的感情和亲密无间的朋友了。所以我现在对当年的感情友情还很执着，甚至固执。I simply cannot move on from what we had before.  很一厢情愿的想法，有时候不得不这样说自己。但自从上了微信和大家联系上后，感觉好一点，知道并不是绝对的一厢情愿，心里就平稳安静多了。这就是得到所谓的closure了。

另一个转折点就是2003年7月到2009年5月期间妈妈生病的时候。她在2004年4月诊断得了一种血癌，已经是晚期，最多就是五年的时间。她是09年5月1日走的。这件事改变了我很多看法，包括生活的态度。我结婚六年后才要的儿子，那真是为了妈妈才做的，妹妹也是，但来不及。眉豆是两个多月后出生。

我用了几乎六年的时间才达到现在平和的心态，从一个全职的office lady 到一个全职妈妈并不容易，之间很经历了不少事情。过去一段日子由于种种突发事件，生活一下子失去了平衡，我感到失控，陷入一低潮。经过这几天的沉淀，我终于又找到平衡点了，可以说恢复正常心态。

A Day in November (video)

A Day

It's been a while

It's been really a long while I put words here.

Life has been busy.

I have been lazy.

Well, maybe I'm taking a break from updating a blog?

With Abby at Kindergarten now, the routine has changed a lot.

It seems I have more time.

It seems I want to do more.

It seems writing sounds interesting again.

I'm here to getting the blog ready again for my words and pictures.

Today is exactly a month from Christmas.

Time to get ready ...

Yet, I'm still in the November mood.

This month is another month with dad being away visiting China.

Home alone with the kids and hubby, that are some special movements.

Just four of us.

A New Year A New Start

Hello, 2013!

I will ...

live more ... to the very fullest of very single moment
care more ... my family, myself and friends I treasure
blog more ... so that I can have a calm and clear mind
read more
and, definitely scrap more.

Year 2013 here I come!

A New Page

A New Page ...

It took me 4 years to settle down on this page of my life.

It will be a good page, or pages, loaded with laughter, joy and memorable moments.

I'm so looking forward to living in these pages!

"Life is like a rainbow."

I like this quote so much ~~

“Life is like a rainbow.

You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.”

 

“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.”

Keep believing and carry on.

 I'm feeling like I am a better person today and everyday.

The Rainbow After The Rain

The month of April has come and gone.  Amazingly I felt calmer and more peaceful during last month.  Although I did wake up at midnights from time to time, I didn't feel scared or depressed like before.  Today I am feeling the same - calm and peaceful.  Maybe it's the lapse of time ... maybe it's me growing up ... maybe the kids and my family help me find the peace I need with the past ...

No matter what my mind and my heart are finally at peace now although I still remember every moment and every detail of what happened three years ago.  The love is still deep in my heart.

At the beginning of the year, I made a promise that I'll focus on my family and myself, to spend more time with the people whom I love the most and to take good care of my soul and body.  Four months past now.  When I look back, I would say I did an OK job to keep up my own promise.

Today I made another promise to myself that I will work harder on my resolution and try to figure out a schedule that I can keep up with so that I can accomplish more on each single day.  I feel blessed to have what I have now and never take it for granted, and therefore I want to live the present moment to the fullest.

Since March I've finished 4 books, but I haven't updated the book journal here.  I so wanted to blog more but failed to do so.  I also wanted to stay in my little studio more but hardly found time to sit there.  The recently purchased cookie book has been sitting on the kitchen counter patiently waiting for me ... many many other things are on my wish list and to-do list. 

While I'm feeling the deep sense of peace now, I'm learning to take good control of my life.  There are still things for me to worry about.  But I'm OK with these worrisome stuff in my life as I'm living a normal life that is made of ups and downs.  Today I just drop by to make a note to myself:

"You can't have a rainbow without a little rain."

This is encouraging enough for me to go on with my life with a smile on my face and lots of love in my heart! 

Speechless

This is personal and raw.

Justin's going to his grandpa's funeral in LA last weekend brings me back lots of bitter memories.  Once he was told of the date, we managed to get an air ticket at a reasonable price at such short notice, and he managed to take the next day off from work so that he could fly down there ASAP.

I was less fortunate, or you may say, my mom was less fortunate when being in the same situation.  It was after three in the morning when the phone rang.  When I stepped into the patient's room and saw mom, my first reaction was she was so calm and was like sleeping like a baby.  The second thing I did was to go get a cloth, got some warm water and wiped her face and hands so gently that I was afraid to wake her up.  And the third thing I did was to look up at the clock on the wall to check the time.  I checked to make sure we got home in time so that Justin wouldn't be late for work!  It turned out that I only stayed there for about 15 minutes or so and forever left mom.  This is something that I couldn't forgive myself, and it's something that I regret for the rest of life.  Mom was about 2 months shy of 63.

She didn't have a "grand" funeral but I celebrated her life in my heart.

... ...

Some other thoughts came up as well ...

Sometimes letting go of something is so hard that it hurts so much already when only thinking about it.

I was told that when you couldn't change anything about it, you could try to avoid it.

Avoid it.  I am learning.

Learning to let go

Learning to love AND to let go is a lifetime lesson, I believe.

We tend to take happiness for granted, while we tend to be stuck with disappointment, resentment and all kinds of unhappiness.  When I'm resenting something/someone, I am often unable to realize how my own unhappiness affect the people around.  And then their negative reactions to my unhappiness will in turn make me more resentful.  It's simply a vicious circle.

I'd actully known this "vicious circle" but hadn't really done anything about it as I didn't know how to deal with it.  Until recently I've finally learned how.  Just let it go as simple as that.

This morning I made comments about my husband's tiredness throughout the day.  He said something which made me kinda upset at the time.  Before I would take what he said literally and kept silent without telling him how I felt about what he said.  Then I would kept all this unhappiness to myself, which most likely my husband wouldn't have a clue about.  But today I told him how I felt right after and let the whole thing go.

And my day moved forward as planned without any unhappiness, resentment or negative feelings.

Learning to let go is a lesson about learning how to conquer one's negative feelings.  Lesson learned, although in a hard way, but I love the result.

2012 - The Year of Family and Me

It's been 5 days into 2012 already when I'm writing this.  Can't believe it.  The other day I talked to my dad while going to Costco that the year 2011 has gone way too fast.  It felt like I haven't got used to write 2011 then it's gone already, and now it's time to write 2012.

When looking back, I find it hard to remember all the things that happened in 2011.  Thanks to the digital technology that allows us to take thousands of pictures without a blink.  Pictures bring me back the memory.

Both kids got pneumonia at the same time in last January, which really tired us physically and emotionally.  Despite this they had grown A LOT during last year.  Charles proudly finished pre-school and started kindergarten in last September, and he seemed to like it a lot.  Abigail started to talk a lot, became fully potty trained not long after her two-year-old birthday, learned letters and numbers by playing the monkey laptop (an educational toy that I highly recommend to any parents who are interested in early childhood education) and played well with her brother. 

====

Today is January 12.  A week has gone by since I wrote the above.  Lately the store has really eaten up my time and brain.  Not that we have so many orders to fill, which we wish constantly.  As the store is reaching its 2nd birthday, we have, or just me, lots of decisions to make regarding the future of the store.  I'll write about this in another post as I've given some thoughts on this topic.

As in 2010, in 2011 I tried my best to keep myself busy and occupied so that I could "forget" certain things and feelings.  My dad went on a trip to China in April.  I had a hard time, feeling both frustrated and lost, during this month.  The loss of mom still hit me hard during this time of the year.

In early June, we decided to go on a road trip in the very last minute.  We drove all the way to Portland, then further south to Lincoln City, then back to Seattle visiting a family friend there.  It was a nice break for all of us.

It seemed the weather had a problem with me this year.  The rain was pouring on the day that I was planning a BBQ birthday party for the kids.  In the end we had to move the party indoor!  I couldn't believe my house could house so many people at the same time until this really happened.

Luckily the weather didn't ruin the party based on what I saw from this picture.  Everyone was smiling, right?  Hopefully in 2012, we have better luck with the weather.

Then it was the Mexican cruise and Southern California road trip in October.  As I said before, I will treasure this memory forever regardless of the annoying little things happening during the trip, which were inevitable no matter what.  As long as I focus on the positive side and the happy moments, I'm satisfied and content.

December was supposed to be another happy month for me as I just love this holiday season.  The shopping, the parties, the food, the gift making all make me happy, especially when I'm hosting the party for close friends.  But sadly it turned out to be not as good as I expected.  It was simply because both Charles and I got sick just before the scheduled party, therefore, we couldn't host the party anymore.  It was that simple.  But I was beaten completely by this "incident".  And I believe that I'm the only person truly know why.

Well, lesson learned in a hard way.  The more you care, the more you'll get hurt if things don't go the way you expected.  What can you do then?  Protect yourself, emotionally and psychologically.  And I've also learned that joy comes from the family.  In the end, it's the family that will stick with you no matter what.

This brings the topic of this post.

My words for year 2012 are FAMILY and ME.

I'll try to spend more quality time with the kids.  As they're growing and learning more and more about the world around them, I'd like to be part of their expanding world.  Charles gets bored easily, and he needs simulations to keep his energy up.  Ever since he started kindergarten, he's shown great interest in short stories books, words and simple maths.  Abigail is able to recognize more than 90% of letters, both upper case and lower case, and numbers although she still has difficulty with the names of colours.  More attention and meaningful activities will definitely further stimulate her learning interests.  By far she's learned things from her brother.

I'll try to improve my relationship with my hubby.  This is the topic I've been avoiding as it's a very complicated topic.  I read this article (10 habits of happy couples) awhile ago, and it really got me into thinking.  How many do we have?  And how well do we perform?  Focusing on the positiveness, the happy moments and the "stuff" we have/sharing really helps me stay on the right track of this relationship.  Marriage is a job; it is indeed hard work.  I can't agree more with this article.

I'll try to have no regrets with my dad.  Needless to say more about this, I just want my dad to be as happy as possible, as healthy as possible, and as being loved as possible.

This is my Family!

Then it's my turn.  I'll be taking good care of myself physically, emotionally and psychologically.  Although I'm still very impulsive when making decisions, I need to learn to slow things down and think it twice or even three or four times before making up my mind.  S.L.O.W. D.O.W.N.  I also need to learn to enjoy the moments and myself more, doing things for myself, NOT for others.  When doing things for myself, I'll feel happy and confident.  Then the people around me will benefit from the positive side effects of me being happy and confident.

I need to be more patient and do not get frustrated.  This is hard for me.  Again, focusing on the good side and try to let things go will help.

2011 is full of good memories regardless of those down-time moments.  I believe 2012 will be better as I'll be shifting my focus more towards the two most important things in my life - my Family and Myself.

feeling good

(from Pinterest)

 This is exactly what I'm feeling right now!

Having great and strong purpose in one's heart matters a lot, at least to me.  It makes me feel right about life, right about what I'm experiencing (good or bad) and most importantly right about myself.  Sometimes life was so grey that doubts would be the only thing coming into my mind and covering my heart.  Doubts were very strong enemies that could kill one's heart and spirit.  Again I'd learned to step backward.  Stepping back (not forward) would help see things from different perspectives, making the heaviness go away.

Be easy on myself ... and others, especially the ones whom I love.

Things have started to fall back into the right track.

I'm living with purpose in my heart ... again ... feeling good.

These two little ones are the strongest glue in the world.

They can glue ANYTHING in my world, getting me back in control in my life.

Abby loves to put on her brother's clothing these days from head to toe.  Purple, pink, and dresses are her favourites, too!  She always makes my heart dance.  The gem in my world.

My sunshine.  Love his looks when he's playing Lego.

He'll be 5 1/2 in next January, and the Lego he's playing is supposed for 7 - 12 years old.  I'm always wondering what he will be when he grows up.  And I am constantly asking myself how I should guide this little guy correctly so that he grows up to be a good person.  For me being a good person is far more important than being a smart person.  He does make me worried a lot ... more than his sister.  But he does make me laugh a lot.  The sunshine in my world.

new look and new input

I've been thinking of this change for quite a while in the past sleepless nights.

I need to change quite a few things, among of which is how I "deal with" this blog thing.  I like to blog.

When it's all happy and light, I'd like to share.

But when it's all grey, rainy and heavy, I'd like to keep it low-profile ...

Sometimes I really just want to stay low ... "don't bother me, please"

I've changed the title (a huge "decision" for me), the theme, and the way it's "published".

well, for now, it remains "secretive" ... but for those

who really wants to find out my footprints won't have a problem of finding it.

until next time...

梦

我经常做梦，没有梦对于我来说是不正常的。有很多时候，做的梦都很真切，往往在醒来后，还萦绕在我四周。昨晚，我梦见妈妈了。其实梦见妈妈是经常的事。但昨天晚上的与以往的有所不同，梦中，妈妈对我说她是不真实的，我可以看见她，和她说话，但是她犹如一团雾，摸不着 ... 我看着她在收拾衣服，在做家务 ... 然后一惊醒，知道自己在做梦。看一下钟，凌晨三点十分整，心里很是不舒服。怎么会是这个时间呢？

不知是否这个梦的原因，今天一天下来人都不舒服。

为人妻为人母

还有一个星期多一点，就开船了。在下个星期六我还要跑一趟Abbotsford，参加那里的儿童医院筹款活动。这次收拾行李有点头疼，比一年前还要麻烦。虽然小孩子都大了，特别是眉豆，无需带尿片，但由于行程“复杂”，所以很是头疼的一件事。不过到最后，相信还是会搞定的。哎，为人妻为人母，操心的就是这些事。从小看妈妈收拾东西，收拾行李看惯了，如今轮到了自己，很是感触。母亲对女儿的影响真的很大。我是感觉到自己越来越像妈妈，特别是现在“罗气”花生的时候，语气绝对是一样的。现在才发觉自己原来小时候是那么的“罗气”。不晓得我小时候有没有花生那么“丰富的感情” 。。。

这是被Sam偷拍的。 说起来很是惭愧，那天的Party，四个小孩子，三个女孩，花生是唯一一个男孩，最小 Catie 的只有十个月。哭得最多的是我家颗花生，不对，应该是唯一哭的是我家颗花生。哎！玩得最投入的、最兴奋的也绝对是他。我总觉得日后这个儿子在感情道路上会走得比较辛苦，很有可能是个容易受伤的男人。这些都不受我控制，唯有顺其自然了。就如我被人问道，介不介意眉豆日后和一个黑人拍拖一样。能介意吗？不过说真的，在这方面，我倒很是开放，只要痛苦的不是我女儿就行了。哈哈！

进入倒数期

还有20天，我们一家五口就坐上去墨西哥的游轮，开始为期19天的墨西哥/南加州之游。11天的游轮是一年前已经订好的，而之后的8天南加州之游则是两个星期前才决定增加的行程。

我不否认在决定两个行程时都有点儿冲动。其实我发现自己在过去两年，或许更久之前，做出的许多决定都有点冲动。每次一有个想法，就有种必须要去做，好像不做就日后再也没有机会的感觉，所以事情办起来，我觉得自己都有种疯狂劲，几乎到失控的程度。 从办网上小店，到一年前决定去中国，回广州顺道游北京，到今年六月初开车去美国玩一个星期 。。。 这都是“临时”决定的，从一个想法到实施，全部是在很短的时间内完成。我的脑子只有在陪花生眉豆一起玩的时候才能慢下来。我真的是一个“Yo-Yo”了。

其实我是知道为什么的 ~ ~

有些人和事是永远都放不下的 (can't let go)，他们会驱使你很努力地活着。过去的，没有办法挽回，唯有向前看。我现在做的很多事情都是希望日后自己对爸爸没有感到遗憾的地方。

刚开始的时候，我们只打算在San Diego停留两三天（游船的终点站在这个城市），玩一玩海洋公园和动物园就算了。但后来听说去迪士尼只需数小时，于是把行程往后推。经过自己的“研究”（我都不知没有了Google，这网上搜索如何是好），发现从San Diego去迪士尼只需两个小时左右，而且去迪士尼又带出了其它“应该”去的地方。所以行程从2天变成了8天。

Google真的很厉害。这是我这两个星期来专心研究行程的心得。有什么问题，基本上都可以google出来。相信将来的不久，旅行这一行的中介人便会消失了。整个行程，除了机票外，什么都是自己在网上搞定，包括订游船。目前来说，虽然价钱可能不如找旅行社买套票来的便宜，但估计日后这个区别会越来越少，特别是有了priceline这种网上拍卖旅馆酒店房间的功能后。

现在是机票、旅馆全定好了，路线也基本上订好，就差租车和购买南加州的城市套票。今天先写到这，明天再详细说一说行程。这是我们第一次坐游船，又是两个小的第一次去迪士尼和这么多的地方，所以觉得有必要记一记。

2011年5月份

转眼间五月份即将结束，这个月过得平淡而忙碌。我家的小麦同志终日沈醉于修改他的数个blogs，快成为专家了。他对花生眉豆的生活有很好地描写（无可厚非他的中文水平远远高于我，应该的），我在这就用相片来记个流水帐。

五月份，虽然还是雨水不断，温度奇低，但有太阳的日子相对多了起来，花生眉豆的户外活动也多了，很是开心。

花生两岁时的生日礼物如今又可以用上了。很明显，妹妹的兴趣比哥哥高多了。

看到他们开心地一起玩，是我最开心的时候。

眉豆好像大个女了。嘻嘻。

爸爸本来在五月二日回来的，但“老猫烧髦”，居然淡定过了头，错过飞机，在上海待多了两天，多花了不少冤枉钱。哎，真是老了，连飞机都可以错过的。我还特地做了一个peanut butter and chocolate pie，和煲了一老火汤等他回来的，真是人算不如天算。

两个免费的“洗碗机” - 把所有的巧克力和花生酱舔得一干二净。

去了一趟Deer Lake，冷呀！

鹅爸爸拍打双翼，赶走玩疯了的傻狗，

虽然冷得很，但两个小的，喂鹅热情不减。

鹅爸爸和妈妈居然把四只小的带上岸吃我们撒下的鸟食，很是可爱。

两大两小，也是很可爱。哈哈！

 二十四孝的公公又出钱又出力，买了一屋子给两个小的做生日礼物（当然是两个小的妈妈出的主意）。我做得力助手，努力了三个下午，终于把屋子给完全建起来。然后超人公公又用了一下午把屋子给架起来，这样雨水就不会渗进去。

第一个下午，刚把屋子买回来，都是零零碎碎的板块。

由于第二天会下雨，所以马上动工，把外墙给弄起来，封屋顶的时候，是晚饭后，天全黑了。

第二天。上午去了趟IKEA，买了大塑料布，下午继续动工。两个花槽是我安装的，匆忙中全弄反了。哈哈！

第三天。把屋子里面的小装饰也安装了，花槽也弄正了。眉豆按的是真门铃。

开始搬家。

这是用木架子架起来后的屋子。

有了家具后的小屋子。

屋子的另一角。

建完这屋子后，我就更爱IKEA了。少一点智慧，是绝对建不起这小屋子的，很多孔都是不对的。过不了几天，我们也真地从IKEA搬回来一床给花生。装这个就顺利多了，什么都是整整好。

花生激动地说：“你们又买屋又买床给我？！” 说得象我们帮他准备东西娶媳妇似的。

花生眉豆少不了发傻的时候。。。

我爸爸从广州带了一会傻笑的娃娃回来，他们看到娃娃戴帽子，于是俩人也带上帽子，让我拍照留念！

最后是昨天和一朋友一家（她有两个可爱的女儿）去了Delta的护鸟区看鸟。

我们去过多次，但这次是花生去得最开心的一次，由始至终，都是那么兴奋，跟着两个姐姐跑，喂鸭子。

掉了一颗乳牙，样子更傻。哈哈

 
眉豆也精神，蹬蹬地，也走了很多路。

花生他爹休息五天。就在前天才决定开车去美国西海岸。今天是一个忙。我会把电脑也带上，希望可以每天写一写，分享分享相片。

当天空是灰暗的时候，你是我的阳光

事情发生的时候，由于麻木所以不知疼痛。事情过后，当很多东西都沉淀下来后，麻木没了，开始感受到疼痛了。每到四月份都很怕半夜醒来，每次醒来后，都难以入睡。深夜里，没有日间的烦琐事情，一些不愿想起的事情总是在这个时候涌现在脑海中，而且是重复又重复。越是临近月尾越是如此。我又是连续数日都失眠了。

今天带他们去了Playground, Costco, 还有麦当当。我还是头一次独自带他们去吃麦当当。他们非常乖。为此我要学会感恩，也要学会包容 ...

还是希望日历没有了四月和五月一日...

两年前。。。和后

两年前的四月份我也是大部分时间独自一人照顾两个小孩子，只不过，一个尚还在我肚子里面，另外一个是两岁半多。

两年前的今天是妈妈这一生中清醒的最后一天，4月11日在药力的作用下，她进入了沉睡状态，之后就再没有醒过来了。

每天从VGH 16层622房看到的日落

两年前的四月份没有那么冷，也没有那么多雨。

两年前的我也没有经常病。我这次感冒好像已经有两个多星期了，还没有好，鼻涕不断，甚至连咖啡的味道也闻不到。我还说如果小店的生意象我的鼻涕那样绵绵不断就好了。

两年前独自带花生感觉没有如今带俩那么“负面”。说是我2008年5月来在家做全职妈妈，但并不是全职做妈妈，多多少少都有人帮忙。特别是花生大了之后，跟公公的时间比跟我还多。到妹妹可以到处爬的时候，她也是和哥哥公公的时间多。总的来说我的“个人时间”还是有的。之前多没有这感觉，总以为自己是个称职的妈妈。但就自我爸爸去了中国玩的这一星期来，我才意识到，之前自己对两个小的还是有很多照顾不周的时候，很是依赖我爸爸。或者换一种说法，我还是有很多自私或以自我为中心的时候。至于花生他爸，我也不评论了，免得破坏他现在“生活多美好”的心情。

两年前不知道有scrapbooking这个词；两年后 ~ ~

两年前花生不会吹泡泡，眉豆还蜷缩在妈妈的肚子里；两年后 ~ ~

这就是生命了 。。。