This past May 1st marked the seventh anniversary of mom's passing away (I still find it difficult to say the words "pass away" whenever I mention mom). It's amazing to see how the time has worked to wash away my sadnesses layer by layer. This morning I read an article, My mum says the word cancer - It's the beginning of the end, a kind of articles that used to set me into tears instantly, but what I feel now is calmness and resonance with the article. The sadness has become a feeling buried so deep somewhere in me that it took me a few minutes to retrieve it and to experience it all over again.
The article reminded me of my mom.
Yesterday morning, when I woke up and checked on FB, I found a friend posted a video about a multiple myeloma survivor. I watched it and posted a comment right after. The guy in the video was lucky enough to receive a cell transplant and survived the whole process. His two comments, "My appreciation of life is different" and "Everyday is a good day." stuck in my head. Then my friend messaged me instantly and told me that his dad had been recently diagnosed multiple myeloma. Thirteen years ago (I didn't realize it was more than a decade ago until now) I had no idea what that was and didn't know how to pronounce it. And now I feel like an old friend of it regardless of the fact that it once mercilessly destroyed my life.
This piece of news reminded me of my mom.
Yesterday afternoon I flipped through the albums to look for some old pictures for my current scrapbooking project. A picture stood out and yelled at me, "Look at me!" I had gone through these black & white pictures million times already, but it seemed I'd never noticed this one. It was a small picture, and I had to take a picture of it using my iPad in order to look at it clearly.
I can't stop staring at the picture ever since. Judging from my mom's look and hairstyle, this picture was taken probably when she was around 25. What made my mom laugh so happily? Who took this picture? My grandma looked so serene and composed while my grandpa looked truly handsome in the back. What was that place? Who were the people in the background? What did my mom do with her parents in that place? So much to look at, and so many questions that I can't find answers to.
When my mom was in severe pain towards the end, she asked for her mom several times. I guess when we are vulnerable and weak, we will all think of our mother, her tenderness and love.
When I think of my mom now, I make myself believe that she is in the heaven, happily with her parents and smiling just like that in the picture. My wishful thinking.
