“To imporve your marriage - be quiet”

刚在网上上看到一篇文章，我想对于已婚人士有一定的用处，特意转载。两个人相处，无论是多甜蜜多相亲相爱，总还是有不同意见、生气或斗气的时候，毕竟是两个不同的个体生活在一起。这是无可避免的，我结婚8年有多，对此深有感慨。这篇文章说的个人认为有一定的道理，大家可以参考参考。由于文章太长，以下只转送我认为重要的内容。完整的文章请参阅（国内的朋友可能无法看了）：http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/09/26/o.improve.your.marriage/index.html

 

是否说的有道理，相信你的亲身经历会告诉你的。

 

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Story Highlights

Expert: Men and women feel fear and shame at different levels

Says men avoid conversations if they think they'll be criticized

Suggests couple connect nonverbally with touch, sex, doing things together

Each partner needs compassion for the other's feelings, point of view

The number one myth about relationships is that talking helps. The truth is, more often than not, it makes things worse.

Talking about feelings, which is soothing to women, makes men physically uncomfortable.

Boys and men, however, need to pull away. A man's greatest suffering, Stosny says, comes from the shame he feels when he doesn't measure up -- which is why discussing relationship problems (i.e., what he's doing wrong) offers about as much comfort as sleeping on a bed of nails。

"Everyone -- men, women, myself included -- needs to learn that before we can communicate with words, we need to connect nonverbally. We can do that in simple ways, through touch, sex, doing things together. The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you're not talking."

Stosny puts it this way: "We need to stop trying to assess the bonding verbally and instead let the words come out of the bonding." Interestingly, he adds, "When couples feel connected, men want to talk more and women need to talk less, so they meet somewhere in the middle. Being aware of the fear-shame dynamic helps."

The tricky part is that men and women must empathize with vulnerabilities they don't feel to the same degree -- namely fear and shame. To do this requires what the authors call binocular vision, in which each partner makes a conscious effort to consider the other's point of view. "The problem is that when you're angry, you're wrong even when you're right because you can't see the other person's perspective," Stosny says. "That's when you lose the thing you long for most, the connection."

Admittedly, this approach is most effective for couples in a precrisis state, Stosny says, "when there's still time for the man to step up to the plate and stop withdrawing or being reactive, and for the woman to understand that her husband really does want to make her happy and to stop being so critical. Men are better able to stay in the room and listen to women if they don't think they're being blamed for their distress."

But ultimately, Love adds, "couples have to decide that the relationship is more important than all those things they do that annoy each other."

It's the connection, stupid!